Understanding Emotional Intelligence — Goleman's Five Principles

Start here A 19-year-old who didn’t finish his degree on time. Night shifts at a hotel. Angry guests shouting at him. How did he turn all that into a career as a trainer? Prof. Shiva Subramaniam tells his story.

Prof. Shiva says the best way to learn emotional intelligence is from your own life. But first, the principles.

In one line: Goleman’s five principles: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. Exam words: Daniel Goleman, self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, social skills.

At 19, Prof. Shiva had not finished his graduation. His friends had moved on; his family was upset. He told himself, “Get back in control of yourself.” He walked into the Taj Coromandel in Madras and got a job as a front office assistant — on night duty (9 p.m. to 6 a.m., often till 8 a.m.).

• Self-awareness and self-regulation: Others mocked him for working in a hotel while they studied chartered accountancy. He stayed proud of himself and balanced his emotions.
• The power of a smile: A smile is a great leverage point. It disarms angry people. He learnt to smile and greet guests with respect: “Good morning, sir.”
• Empathy: Tired guests often shouted at him after long journeys. He did not shout back. He put himself in their shoes — they just wanted to reach their rooms and sleep.
• The result: Many guests who shouted at first gave him a big tip or a gift when they left.

Lesson: Getting a job is not the end — it is the beginning. The work itself can be emotionally draining.

At another company, he wanted to become a trainer. His seniors kept discouraging him. When a training programme was finally approved at the last minute, he had to travel in an unreserved compartment, standing for about 10 hours.

He could have used his anger to quit. Instead, he used it as motivation: “I want to be a very good trainer.” He became a trained presentation skills trainer, and his life changed.

Lesson: Anger means what you expect is not happening. Use that energy to make it happen.

Conflict is everywhere — within yourself, with hotel guests, with your seniors. It will never leave you alone. Once you accept that conflict is always there, it becomes easier to handle. Problems start when we try to run away from it.

In 2005, he worked with coach Greg Chappell and the Indian cricket team on creative thinking.

• The dropped player: Only 11 can play; 7–8 are left out. A player who was dropped was jogging at 6 a.m. He said, “Only 11 can play. My chance will come. I want to always be ready.” — self-awareness, self-regulation and motivation.
• Early to bed: Before a match, the best players had dinner at 8 and went to bed by 9 — even though they could have stayed up late. That is self-regulation.

• Mahatma Gandhi was thrown off a train in South Africa. Most people would have given up. He used that anger to fight discrimination — turning emotion into motivation.
• Srinivasa Ramanujan, from a very poor family, worked at the Madras Port Trust on a small salary. He kept doing maths anyway. He wrote a letter to Professor Hardy in England, who brought him to England. There, Ramanujan handled conflicts of food, weather, clothing and culture — and kept pursuing his passion.

• Observe people — parents, teachers, everyone. Watch how they handle emotions. Don’t judge — just learn.
• Read a lot about emotional intelligence and conflict management. Ask people how they handled hard situations.
• You will make mistakes. That’s life.
• Aim to teach these topics one day: “Whatever I learn, I must teach.”

Everyday example You weren’t picked for the college fest core team. You can sulk — or, like the cricketer jogging at 6 a.m., volunteer anyway, learn the work, and be ready for next year.

In one line: Learn EI from real life — stay aware, control reactions, turn setbacks into motivation, and empathise. Exam words: smile as leverage point, empathy, anger as motivation, conflict is always there, observe without judging.